Losing Lissa
by tgypwya
Summary: The Red-Haired Wonder is back, and she won't take no for an answer. What'll it take for Fang to lose Lissa for good? Some Fax, rated T for safety. Enjoy! Discontinued.
1. The First Day Of Hell

**Me: Drumroll, please!**

**Max: -drumroll-**

**Me: Ladies, gentlemen, and mutants, Matt&Max proudly present... LOSING LISSA!**

**Max: I gotta admit, this is one of your better ideas.**

**Me-:Like capturing you, right?**

**Max: No.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own jack. Even if I do happen to own it, I'm not claiming it. This disclaimer is for the entire story, so nobody sue me.**_

**Max: Can you even do that?**

**Me: We'll find out...**

**

* * *

**

(This whole story will be from Fang's POV, unless otherwise noted)

_Holy crap. I did it. I convinced Max to settle down, _I thought._ No more flying around the globe to save the world. No more sleeping in caves. No more eating desert rat. _Sure, it had taken a lot of smooth-talking, and we had decided that once the world needs saving, you'd better believe we'll be saving it.

Luckily, the end of the world shouldn't happen for a while. And just watch, it'll happen tomorrow or something.

Of course, there was another condition, which was that we live with Dr. M and Ella, but hey, I could live with that. You gotta love those cookies.

_And now, I can live my life in peace._ I rolled over in my bed– yes, my _bed,_ not my tree branch– and yawned. I looked up at the clock– 6:30? Really? Damn, it may take a while to get used to normal life. I was about to go back to sleep when I was almost thrown out of bed by the sheer sonic force of the knocking on my door.

"FANG! IT'S 6:30!" Dr. M yelled. "OUT OF BED ALREADY, OR YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"

School? Aw, crap…

* * *

I walked Iggy into the main hall of the school building. Why did Max forget to tell me? Heck, everyone else knew! Probably payback for something I didn't know about yet…

"Come on, Fnick!" Iggy complained. "Describe the place. Describe the colors. Describe the _la-dies._"

"_La-dies_, Jeff? Really?" Iggy shrugged. "Okay," I said, "Uh, it's big, it's, uh, red, my God, this place reminds me of High School Musical…" _Wait a minute,_ I thought, _didn't Nudge say something, or rather, a lot of things like "They filmed HSM at your new high school, Max! Oh, Fang, aren't you excited! Iggy I wish you could see it…" Great. How long until people start singing, dancing, and giving me a real excuse to kill someone?_

"Hello? Earth to Fnick? I don't give a desert rat's roasted ass whether or not they filmed those movies here, I still can't see it," Iggy said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry. I think Nudge did say that they filmed it here, so be happy, you're in a preteen girl's paradise."

"Great," Iggy said. "How will this work?"

"How will what work?" I asked.

"A teenage girl's paradise in a preteen girl's paradise!" he said. "I'm in trouble!"

"A teenage girl's paradise?" I laughed. "Iggy, stop kidding yourself. You don't even know what you look like."

Suddenly the bell rang, and Iggy and I ran off to homeroom.

* * *

"Hey, guys, how was your first fifteen minutes of high school?" Max asked, sitting down in the desk behind me.

"Just peachy, Jeff's full of himself again," I replied. "Where were you?"

"In the office, just making sure one of us is with Mr. Full Of Himself at all times." She smiled. "If he could see, I bet he'd be as conceited as that redheaded snob over there." She motioned at the carrottopped beauty.

"Hey, really why do you think redheads are all snobbish and whatnot?" I asked, defending the unknown girl.

"Come on Fanick," she said, catching herself before she dropped the wrong name, "I thought you were over your–" I stopped her.

I tapped Iggy on the shoulder. "Jeff, that's a backpack. I doubt it'll respond to your, uh, hitting on it. Or whatever you call it. At least find a living thing." Iggy blushed and started to mutter very bad things about me, so I turned back around to face Max. "You were saying?"

"I thought you were over your little redhead thing," she finished.

"Well, I am, thanks to you," I said, giving her a semi-sarcastic "thanks" look. "But there's still no way to tell if she's stuck-up until you meet her."

"Which should be in about five seconds," Max snarled as the Unknown came to say hi. Seriously, she needed to get over her little red hair prejudice…

"Hi!" The girl said, brushing back her hair. "As class president, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to your new high school!"

"How are you president? It's the first day of Freshman year," Max pointed out.

"Well, it's not _official_ yet. But I will be. Anyway, my name is Lis…" She trailed off as she shifted her attention from Max to me. Since she was staring at me, I decided to just stare back. Now that I got a good look at her… Yeah, Max was right, she looked snobby and stuck-up and all that. Meanwhile, Max was looking from her to me to her again, obviously irritated. The "class president" finally broke the awkwardness.

"NICK?"

Oh crap…

* * *

**Max: That was really really short.**

**Me: Hey, it's the first chapter. They're almost always short.**

**Max: Riiiiiiiiiight. I do like how you portrayed Iggy, he _is _like that at times...**

**Me: Well, in Fanfiction, he's always portrayed like that.**

**Max: You sure?**

**Me: Yeah.**

**Max: I challenge that.**

**Me: You what?**

**Max: I bet we can find somewhere where Iggy is a normal, respectable, human-avian hybrid.**

**Me: Okay, fine. I'll give you twenty bucks if we do.**

**Max: Awesome! We have a quest!**

**Me: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?**

**Thanks for reading! -Matt&Max**


	2. A Knockout Punch

**Max: Soooooooo, are we going to start hunting for the Iggy story?**

**Me: Not right now, I need to get this story updated, then I need to update another story, then another...**

**Max: Fine. Can we start AFTER this chapter?**

**Me: I'll tell you what, we'll start in the ending A/N.**

**Max: Fine by me. You might want to get your wallet ready, you'll be paying me some major coin.**

**

* * *

**

I wouldn't have gone to school if Max hadn't dragged me out of bed. Literally. After one half-day, I was ready to pack up my laptop and fly off to Antarctica or something. Oh, yeah, been there, done that. Australia, then. Never been there.

So yeah, the first day of school was a half-day, thank God. I don't think I could have handled a whole day. Which is kinda why I was refusing to get up…

"Fang! Get your lazy butt up! Come on!"

"Bite me," I mumbled into my pillow.

"TOTAL!" Max called.

"He won't do it," I said, "He's too- OW! WHAT THE- YOU BIT ME!"

"Out of bed. Now," Max said as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve. "You really oughta shave your legs," she complained, picking hair off of her tongue, "This is nasty."

"You oughta not bite me, then," I grumbled as I stood up.

"Iggy'll have breakfast in five, if you're late, I'm cooking."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Today was going to be a _looooooooong _day.

* * *

Guess who was sitting on my desk when I walked into homeroom? Thankfully I only had two classes with her. Unfortunately, homeroom was one of them. Even worse, homeroom was the only class I had with Max. I had Iggy- er, Jeff- in all but three.

Honestly, I'd take either Max or Lissa over Iggy any day. I had to describe every single girl to him… And let me tell you, being blind gave him a crapload of sympathy points, so I think the High School Pimp Award had already been decided. I was just waiting until some gay guy comes up…

Sorry about that. Mind tangent. Back to the story…

So, as I said, Lissa was sitting on my desk. On, not in. I didn't even get to sit down.

"Nicky!!" she squealed as she ran up to give me a big hug. "I made sure nobody stole your seat!"

"Uh, yeah, thanks…" Maybe someone forgot to tell her we had assigned seats…

She sat down in the desk next to me. Yeah, nobody told her. "Soooooooo, what are you doing this Friday? There's this really cool new movie I want to see… hint hint!" She smiled like an idiot.

"Uh, I don't have anything planned…" I managed to say.

"Great! It's a date! I'll see you there! Oh yeah," she said, "Here's my new number. Call me!" She dropped a piece of paper on my desk and walked off.

I picked it up. 555-3072. Wait... A heart instead of a 0. Naturally. I looked up to see Max glaring at me.

"I don't have anything planned?" she snarled at me. "Are you serious?"

"Well, I don't…" Okay, lame excuse, I know. But a true one.

"Fa-Nick! You've got to pull yourself together! She's… uh… ugh!" She stormed off to her desk. Unfortunately, her desk was right behind mine, so the effect was ruined.

I turned to her. "Look, Max, I don't like her. I'll prove it!" Max just rolled her eyes.

_Okay, _I thought, _Time to show Max I don't like Lissa._ Since Lissa had left, the girl who really sat in that seat had arrived. I turned to her. "Hey, what's your name?"

She turned and gave me a death glare. She was emo. And I mean really emo. Not like me emo, but really legit I-could-see-the-scars-on-her-arm emo. _No problem, _I thought, _She'll work._

She kept glaring. _Time to revise my approach,_ I thought. "Sorry, let me try again. Hi, I'm Nick, what's your name?" I asked.

Then I felt a burst of pain and then… nothing. Just black. Unconsciousness. Fun.

* * *

"Ugh, where am I?" I asked as I slowly opened my eyes.

"You're in the nurse's office," an unfamiliar voice said. "Don't worry, just relax. Your nose is broken, so you'll be heading home. Whenever you're ready, of course, no rush."

"Ugh, who are you?" I asked, spitting blood out of my mouth.

"Come on, boy! Use your head, or you'll have to get that checked out too. I'm the nurse!"

"Ugh, yeah, I guess you're right. So I can just go home whenever?"

"Once you stop saying 'Ugh', sure. Your mom's on her way to pick you up, and your sister is right outside, waiting to see you," she said.

"Mhm, okay, you can send her in, I'd like to stay lying down as long as possible."

"No problem. Now, I've gotta go file this report away, so don't ya guys do anything you'll regret," she warned as she directed Max in. Once she had left, Max was at my side.

"You okay?" she asked, "That was a nasty punch."

"No problem, I've had much worse."

"I know," she said, smiling. "And I know what you were trying to do, even if it was stupid. And I believe you now." Then she kissed me. Right there in the nurse's office.

Screw painkillers, when you have a broken nose, Max is the best drug there is.

Did I just say that? Dear God…

"Wow, Nick," I heard someone say. Max and I broke apart and turned to see you-know-who standing in the doorway. "If that's what you give your sister," she said as she walked, no, strutted over, "I can't wait to see what you have in store for your girlfriend!" She ran a finger down my chest, tapped my belt buckle, and winked. Then, seeing a particularly deadly Max-glare, she turned and left, leaving nothing but the scent of too much perfume, mixed feelings, and inappropriate thoughts.

"Ugh, I hate her," Max complained. "Come on, let's get you up."

"Five more minutes…?"

"Come on, get your lazy butt up."

"Bite me."

She raised an eyebrow. "You know I will," she pointed out.

"Okay, fine." She helped me up, and we walked out into the main office. Then something really really important occurred to me.

"Max, if you're here with me… who's with Iggy?"

I could see the _Oh, crap_ on her face. At that exact moment, the fire alarm went off.

"That boy is _so_ dead," Max snarled as we walked outside to see a plume of smoke coming from the gym.

* * *

**Max: Inappropriate thoughts? Fang would never!**

**Me: Fang's a teenage boy. I'm a teenage boy. You have NO idea.**

**Max: Do I want to know?**

**Me: Honestly, no.**

**Max: Okay... TO THE STORY MOBILE!!!**

**Me: The... oh, no, really? You spray painted wheels on your kennel?**

**Max: I don't see a kennel, just a STORY MOBILE!!!**

**Me: You're an idiot.**

**Max: Shut up and get in the kennel.**

**Thanks for reading! -Matt&Max**


	3. Adventures In The Afterlife

**Max: Hey, peoples. You may or may not know this, but officially, Matt's on hiatus.**

**No, not the one he was on in January. It's a new one.**

**That's right, he went back to updating and ignored this one.**

**He even WROTE THIS CHAPTER and STILL ignored you guys.**

**What a dick.**

**And so I hacked his computer and am posting anything I can find.**

**You know, try to encourage him to move along with this hiatus crap...**

**Anyway, here's the next chapter.**

* * *

"YOU LEFT IGGY ALL ALONE IN _CHEMISTRY?!?!?!?!?!?!?" _Dr. M screamed at us.

I couldn't help but wince. _Damn, this lady has a serious bee up her butt. Hell, who came up with that phrase? Who was dumb enough to stick a bee up their own butt? Why di-_

"FANG! Are you even PAYING ATTENTION?!?"

I jumped about a foot in the air. "Yes, ma'am- Dr- Mrs- Max's- mom- uh- sir," I stuttered.

I saw Max facepalm out of the corner of my eye. _Hey, whaddya know, someone actually facepalms... I always thought you just type it..._

"So, if you were listening, can you remind me how long you two are grounded?"

Dammit. "Uh, yeah, sure, we're grounded for a month!" _Please be right..._

Dr. M smiled. "Well, actually, it was a week, but I like a month better. A month it is then!" She walked off happily, leaving me with a severely pissed off mutant girlfriend.

I took one look at Max and ran.

* * *

"FANG! Freaking OPEN the DOOR before I KNOCK IT DOWN!" Max pounded on the door, which was already about to fall down from the last few times Max had to force her way in.

"No thank you, I like being alive!" I called back.

Wrong answer.

You know, looking back, I never expected the door to actually fly off its hinges.

Because, I mean, if I had, I probably would have ducked, you know?

* * *

You know, I always expected the afterlife to be kinda like the top of a cloud, or maybe a grassy meadow, or something heavenly.

And if I ended up in hell, kinda like... Well, hell, I guess.

And maybe in the random wild dream I ended up in Hades. You know, the Ancient Greek Underworld? Which, for some unknown reason, has to be capitalized?

Yeah. One of the above.

Not freaking China.

FOGGY China. Do they even HAVE fog in China? I mean, I've never been there...

And no, this wasn't smog, it was more of a mist.

It WAS the afterlife anyway.

Right?

"Right!" a booming voice said.

"Who's that?" I asked, looking around.

"I'm your ancestor!" the voice answered.

"Okay, one, what? And two, where the hell are you?" I asked again, now seriously about to need new underwear.

"As in, my kids had kids who had kids who had kids, etc, etc, who had you. And I don't know myself..."

I sat there for a good five minutes trying to figure that one out. "Alright..." I began, "Problem numero uno. Nobody had me. I was born in a test tube."

"Ah," my Ancestor said, "but did you not spend half of the first trilogy searching for your parents?"

"THEY FELL IN A PLOTHOLE! DON'T REMIND ME!" I screamed.

"Sorry. Have a wonton. This IS the Chinese afterlife, after all!"

And just like that, a bunch of wontons appeared out of thin air.

"Fang!" Max's voice called out. I nearly dropped a wonton.

"Dammit Max! Don't tell me you're my ancestor too!"

"Fang! Wake up, man! FANG!" Max yelled.

"How can I wake up? I'm dea-"

I woke up.

* * *

"Hey, Fang, old buddy, that's it, come back now..." As the world un-blurred, I found myself in Max's arms.

Not complaining.

"Ah, God, what happened?"

"Just a little bump on the head..." Max grimaced. "Okay, not so little, but same idea. How are you feeling?"

"Like I just got run over by a truck driven by a certain blind pyromaniac..." I moaned. _Come on, Max, I'm hurt, I need attention... hint hint... Show me why I picked you over..._

_Over who? _Angel butted in.

_ANGEL! OUT OF MY HEAD!_

_Over who?_

_I SAID OUT!_

_That Lissa girl? Seriously Fang? Really?_

_ANGEL! OUT!_

_Fine, fine..._

"Earth to Fang, you need to stop zoning out..."

"Sorry, Angel invasion," I muttered. Suddenly Max froze.

_Oh, s#$%... ANGEL!!!!!!_

"Fang..." Max started.

I braced myself. I hoped I could go back to the Chinese afterlife. I like wontons...

"You know, now that we're grounded..."

Whoa, what? Suddenly I was all ears. And all something else too, but I'm gonna leave that out in case any young children are reading.

Let's just say I was standing at attention, heheheh.

"...you just got out of a date." Max grinned evilly.

Damn. "Oh yeah... Hang on..." I pulled out my phone (Yes, we had phones now) and fired off a quick "Sorry grounded no date" message.

I'm great with words, aren't I?

I was just about to say something to Max when Lissa responded.

I read it aloud.

Bad choice.

**"Aw tht sux :( wait i kno! :) i cud com 2 ur hows! tht way u dont leave! :)))) XOXO Luv Lissy"**

Max and I both stared at the phone.

Then...

Well, let's just say, if you like having a cell phone, keep it away from an angry Max, of you'll just have a pile of smoking metal.

FML.

* * *

**Max: Okay... I think I can see why he was sitting on this one...**

**But whatever. I'll check to see if there's any more of this story stashed in the depths of "My Documents," and if I find any, they'll be posted.**

**Until then... Au revoir!**

**_Thanks for reading! -Max_**

**_R&R?_**


	4. Ella's Sex Ed

**Max: Once again, Max here, no Matt. This time, however, it's not his fault, he wanted to be here, but couldn't...**

**Anyway, he told me to put this up and tell you all to thank Kara for annoying him enough to actually write this.**

**So... Here it is.**

**

* * *

**

"Iggy, when was the last time I told you I hate you?"

"Fang..." Iggy almost cried, "You hate me?

"Uh... I wish you had never been pulled out of that test tube, I want to tear off your wings feather by feather, and I seriously think you're gay and have been pretending to be straight for all these years, so, yeah, I hate you," I responded, also causing millions of third grade teachers to have heart attacks as the sheer run-on-ness of that sentence.

And at the run-on-ness of that last one, but that's beside the point.

"Good," Iggy replied. "Nice to know that it worked. Now, what do you want?"

I stood in his doorway, just staring. "It... Worked?"

Iggy looked confused. "Yeah... What? Something wrong?"

I turned and ran, yelling "MAX! IGGY'S GAY!"

Of course, I didn't actually run. I ran about three feet, then stopped and silently crept back into the doorway to see Iggy's reaction.

I will never forget what he was saying.

Why?

Two reasons.

A.) It cannot be repeated in polite company. And by polite, I mean on the set of a porno.

B.) It's some freaking awesome blackmail.

I'm evil, I know.

* * *

I hate being grounded.

I know what you're thinking. _"But Fang, you and Max were "grounded" in Book 2, but that didn't stop you from flying out the window!"_

Dr. M's not an idiot. She nailed the windows shut.

So I was pretty much just lying on the couch, practicing my turning-invisible ability, which has been extremely difficult since this random old guy named Jamie Pattinson or something decided that I shouldn't ever use it, when Ella and Nudge came home from school.

Hang on, that's not right, Max, Iggy, and I get out of school after Nudge and Ella...

Oh yeah, my bad. Here we go...

I was lying on the couch, practicing my turning-invisible ability, which has been extremely difficult since this random old guy named Jamie Pattinson or something decided that I shouldn't ever use it, when Ella and Nudge came home from the mall, because it was Saturday, and girls go to the mall on weekends.

I was extremely glad to see them. Why? Dr. M had taken Gazzy, Angel, and the dogs... Somewhere. I hadn't been paying attention. So Ella and Nudge had hitched a ride to the mall with one of the millions of best friends that Nudge made in two and a half days, and now they were back, so now the three eldest mutants, all of whom were in deep crap with Dr. M, could possibly do something without having to worry about starting World War III.

Or something.

Okay, screw the details, and let's just get back to the story...

So I'm on the couch, pretty much invisible, and Nudge and Ella walk in. Nudge stretched, tossed her many bags on the recliner, yawned, said something about "I've shopped, now I'll drop," and then dropped.

On the couch.

The one with me on it.

Invisible.

You see where I'm going with this?

And yes, Iggy, I know you can't see where I'm going with this, but you can't see anything.

How the hell are you even reading this?

Are you even reading this?

Or having it read to you?

Or... Goddamn, I'm getting off topic today.

Yeah... I'm gonna go get some coffee, then we'll try again...

* * *

I hate being grounded.

I know what you're thinking. _"But Fang, you and Max were "grounded" in Book 2, but that didn't stop you from flying out the window!"_

Dr. M's not an idiot. She nailed the windows shut.

I was lying on the couch, practicing my turning-invisible ability, which has been extremely difficult since this random old guy named Jamie Pattinson or something decided that I shouldn't ever use it, when Ella and Nudge came home from the mall, because it was Saturday, and girls go to the mall on weekends.

Nudge stretched, tossed her many bags on the recliner, yawned, said something about "I've shopped, now I'll drop," and then dropped.

On the couch.

"NUDGE!"

"_insert that high-pitched scream girls do here_" Nudge nearly jumped about five feet in the air, which she probably actually did, being part bird and all. "ZOMGFANGI'MSOSORRY!" she gasped, while Ella was literally rolling around on the floor laughing.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS CHOCOLATE AND IN CHIP COOKIE FORM IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?" Max yelled from upstairs.

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE YELLING?" Dr. M yelled from her office.

We all shut up.

Nudge quietly picked up her stuff and went upstairs to somehow jam it into her closet while Ella smothered another round of laughter. Now that I was fully visible and no longer in pain, I moved over to give her a seat on the couch, reaching for my laptop before she could start a potentially awkward conversation.

I was too late.

"So, Fang, I heard you're having... Girl trouble."

I sighed. "Yeah, you could say that." I did not want to be having this conversation...

"Why do you like that... slut?" she asked, cutting straight to the point.

"I don't!" I said, defending myself. "And I don't know what happened to her, she wasn't a slut the last time I saw her... She's driving me mad. She's not going to leave me alone." Then a thought occurred to me. "Heh, she probably just wants sex. Figures a "Blast from the Past" will be a nice addition to her collection... At least I hope not... Meh..."

I looked over at Ella, who was deep in thought. And that's never a good sign.

"You may have a point, Fang..." she said. "You're probably right."

I just gaped. "B-b-but... Then what? She won't leave me alone until I..."

Ella looked at me. "You give her what she wants and make sure Max never finds out. I know you want to ditch her, and I'll back you up on this one..."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Look, Ella, I'm not about to go that far..." I sighed. "I'll think about it, okay?" Then before she could reply, I was off the couch and halfway upstairs.

Then a thought occurred to me. The "date" was tonight.

Oh, joy...

* * *

**Max: So I'm too lazy to read that chapter... Anyone care to summarize?**

**Anyone?**

**Whatever...**

**He left this message... Uh...**

**"Next on Losing Lissa: Desperate measures are taken! Fang makes a discovery! And everything changes!"**

**Heh... Okay.**

**I'm out, I've gotta sleep...**

**_Thanks for reading! -Max_**


	5. Fang McFangles Screws Up

**Rewrote the chapter after it somehow got deleted, here it is, I'm not gonna bother with an A/N...**

* * *

I. Was. Screwed.

Very.

Also, literally.

Well, I was potentially going to be screwed. Because if I was screwed (literally), then it already would have happened, and I wouldn't be freaking out and/or rambling on and on about it right now, like I am, because I was damn nervous and confused, which is weird because this all happened in the past, so there's no reason to be nervous about it.

…

Okay. I _need_ to see a doctor.

No, not Dr. M. I see too much of her already.

Speaking of Dr. M., I'm as tired as balls.

Okay, that has nothing to do with Dr. M. And I have no idea why you can be as tired as…

I'm doing it again.

* * *

So, I sat in my room, on my bed, because there was a total lack of other places to park my ass.

Why?

Because Iggy and Gazzy stole my chair to make a bomb.

Why?

Because… It's Iggy and Gazzy. They do that sort of thing.

And did I mention I was nervous, confused, and completely screwed?

No?

Where the hell have you been?

So, what does your average teenage lovesick mutant do in a situation like this?

You write in your diary, duh.

Or, you could just tear pages out of your diary and play wastepaper-basket basketball! (Patent pending.)

...Hang on, you think I actually _write _in this diary, don't you?

No, Nudge got it for my birthday years ago. I've never actually used it.

Okay, maybe once or twice.

Occasionally.

Often.

Daily.

Damn. I need a life.

Well, thankfully, it's not like I pour my heart and soul out into this book or anything, because A.) I'm a guy, we don't do that, B.) I'm gonna start tearing pages out of it and using them as basketballs in a few paragraphs, and C.) That's what screwed Ginny Weasley over in Book 2 of Harry Potter.

Not that I read Harry Potter.

Just like I don't write in my diary.

* * *

So. There I was. My ass on the bed, my bed in my room, my mind in the Chinese afterlife or something.

What. The. Hell. Was. I. Going. To. DO?

I came up with a safe and easy solution. Nobody would get hurt, there would be no unintended consequences, and I would never have to see Lissa again.

That's right. I was going to swallow one of Iggy's bombs whole.

_Wait, that won't work, _I thought. _I need… TO BAKE IT INTO A CAKE! YESH!_

I celebrated my fail plan by throwing my diary into the air. Naturally, a few pages fell out.

"Aw, what the hell? You've gotta be kidding." I picked up one page, read it, wondered what I had been smoking at the time, crumpled it up, and threw it into the garbage.

Ever had one of those lightbulb-appearing-over-your-head moments?

* * *

"Alrighty-o. Let's see here…" I muttered to myself, "If I can't make four out of seven… I stay a virgin and run away to… Uh… Canada. They have bacon. Mmmm, bacon."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Oh, right, and if I do, Fang McFangles gets laid. And probably contracts herpes from the entire baseball team in the process." I paused for a moment, because that option needed a plus side of some sort.

"Oh, I know! I can finally find out if this useless sausage-shaped piece of flesh actually works properly!"

I'm a genious, I know.

...Except a genius would probably be able to spell 'genius' on his first try.

Annnyyyywwwwaaaayyyyyy….

* * *

"Wilt Chamberlain passes the ball to Fang McFangles… He dribbles up the court, here comes a… OH! Fang jukes out Kobe Bryant and passes to LeBron James… It's a give-and-go! Fang drives to the hoop, going up for a dunk… OH NO! He's fouled by Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, and some random midget all at once! He's going to the line, and he'll take seven shots! Two for each player to foul him! And one extra for the random midget!"

Opening narrative complete, I paused and took aim. Shot numero uno flew through the air… To no avail. I tore out another page and made ball number two. Nope.

"He's missed the first two shots… BUT HE SINKS THE THIRD! The crowd is on its feet! The fourth is good, too! Two in, two out!"

I took a moment to stretch before preparing my next shot.

Off the rim. So close. But the sixth went in like a rock into a place where rocks go.

"Here it is…" I whispered, "The seventh shot… Make this and he… Probably… Gets… Herpes..."

I threw it as far away from the trash can as possible.

"Hey! What the Heaven was that?" I heard a tiny voice over my shoulder say.

I looked and was, honestly, not at all surprised to be face-to-body with Mini-Shoulder-Angel-Fang.

This wasn't the first time.

"Hey, Mini-Shoulder-Angel-Fang… How's life?"

"I'm not really alive, you twit, I'm your freaking conscience," Mini-Shoulder-Angel-Fang pointed out.

"True. So, you gonna tell me off for going against my decision to play a fair game of chance?"

"Naturally," Mini-Shoulder-Angel-Fang said.

"So, can we just get it done and over with?"

"Nope, we've gotta have fair play. Where is that damn devil…?" Mini-Sh… He muttered.

"Here," came a voice from my other shoulder. I turned and saw good old… Ronald McDonald.

Mini-Shoulder-Devil-Fang must've been on vacation, the lucky bastard.

"Alright, look at it this way…" Ronald started, "Really, shooting freaking hoops isn't a game of chance. If you suck, you're gonna miss, if you're good, you won't, plain and simple as the new Dollar Menu from McDonald's! We love to see you sm-"

"HEY! No advertising," Mini-Shoulder-Yeah-You-Know-Who-I-Mean snapped. "And that's a load of feces."

"We call it 'crap' now," I whispered.

"No, not really," said Mickey D himself. "What's really a load of crap is how you're encouraging him here… When there's a 50/50 chance that he'll end up engaging in premarital sex! Where does that fit in your heavenly Big Mac, now only 99 ce-"

"The creepy corporate clown has a point," I said, cutting off the commercial.

Mini-Shoulder-Angel-Fang just stared.

Ronald McDonald stared back.

I sighed. "DEMONS BE GONE!" I yelled. For some unknown reason, this was the only thing that made them disappear, which they did.

I picked up one of the papers off of the floor. "Time to try again…" I muttered.

* * *

No surprise here… I found myself, again, on shot numero siete. Even-say. Six plus one. Radical forty-nine. The day God rested. The length of Iggy's dick in inches, not that I know for sure, of course.

Being, well, me, I got a brilliant idea as I prepared myself for the last shot.

"What an incredible Cinderella story, this unknown, comes out of nowhere… He's on his final shot... The crowd is just on its feet here, he's a Cinderella boy, tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this shot… This crowd has gone deathly silent, Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former lab experiment, now… About to rip off Caddyshack even more."

Narrative complete, I launched the ball of paper through the air. It spiraled slowly, end over end, as it arced gracefully towards a collision with the door that Max suddenly pushed open, bouncing harmlessly onto the floor.

"Yo, Fang, the bitch is… You need to clean your room, damn…"

I needed more time… "Hey, Max, can you do me a favor? Can you stall her for a bit? Give her a tour of the house?"

Max stared at me, then sighed. "Fine, Fang, whatever. But you owe me," she said as she walked out.

"That I do…" I muttered to myself as I started to think.

Have you ever had one of those little lightbulbs pop up above your head? Well, right about now, I had one of those moments.

Looking back, I don't think it was a very bright lightbulb. Probably wasn't even lit.

Didn't stop me.

I tiptoed down the hall, trying to be quiet, and knocked on Iggy and Gazzy's bedroom door.

Nobody replied.

I knocked again.

Nobody replied.

I shoved the door open.

Iggy was dancing around the room with his iPod.

I walked up to him, grabbed his iPod, and threw it out the window.

"MAX, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Iggy yelled at me.

"One, it's Fang, and two, Ke$ha isn't worth dancing to," I replied.

"It wasn't Ke$ha!" Iggy said.

"Then who was it?"

Iggy just muttered something.

"What was that?"

"Miley Cyrus."

I literally facepalmed. Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

_Dammit… No time to ask… Just do it…_ I thought as I suddenly grabbed Iggy, pulled him close, and planted my lips on his.

No, I'm not gay.

I don't like men.

I wouldn't like Iggy, even if I _did_ like men.

...I wouldn't even classify Iggy as a man.

Not the point.

The point is that the little lightbulb wasn't working properly, as I found out a second later.

Iggy kissed back.

And before I could jump away and scream, "FAGGOT!", Max walked in, saying, "Alright, Fang, I couldn't take her and I just chucked her out of the house, you owe me agaWHAT THE HELL?"

I hate this world and everyone in it.


	6. An Incredulous Chapter

**Max: What is with you and updating at crazy hours?**

**Me: What's wrong with 5 am?**

**Max: What _isn't_?**

**Me: -shrugs- Doesn't matter. This is a birthday gift for a certain Canadian! M.G! (aka MGChristiani)!**

**Max: Eh?**

**Me: Eh. So, everybody go read her stuff, tell me how it is so I can read it later, and spam her with "eh"s. Because she loves that.**

**Max: Oh, yeah, totally... **

**

* * *

**

"I'm not gay, dammit!" Iggy practically yelled.

"That's not what your lips were saying," I pointed out.

"Yeah! They weren't saying anything! Lips! Part of mouth! Which makes words! Come on, Fang!"

_Uh…. Wait, what? _I thought. "Iggy… That makes about as much sense as Nudge willingly going to a Goodwill."

"Aren't we missing the point here?" Iggy said, grasping at straws (I hoped). "YOU kissed ME!

I groaned inwardly. "Iggy, how many times am I gonna have to tell you? I was trying to get Lissa to see-"

"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" the gay blind albino mutant interrupted.

Okay, so he's not albino. I needed a third adjective in there. I mean, come on, which sounds better, "gay blind mutant" or "gay blind ALBINO mutant?"

...Okay, so maybe it sounds better without the albino…

"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" the gay blind Buddhist mutant said.

What? Who said he's not Buddhist?

Whaddya mean, where's my proof? I know the kid! Hell, I was making out with him in the last chapter! You think I'd know if he's Buddhist or not?

...You know, that makes it sound like I actually SHOULD know if he's Buddhist or not… Heh… I know that Dr. M isn't. She's Catholic. She drags us to church every Sunday. Given the choice, I'd rather go listen to some crazy Protestant preacher condemning random people to the darkest pits of the Chinese afterlife. No wontons. The thought of a wonton-less afterlife alone strikes fear into the hearts of people who are wondering what the hell I'm doing and when I'm gonna get back to the story.

The answer is right now.

Well, the answer is also I have no idea. Because it's a two-part question… Yeah…

Wow, I suck at this.

Heheh… Like Iggy dreams of sucking di-

* * *

The following is from Max's POV.

Well, it's still mine, actually, but I'm gonna try to figure out what Max was thinking and write it from her point of view, since, well, you saw what happens when I write things from my perspective.

I end up talking about wontons and sucking dick.

Besides, she's the one whose perspective that Jimmy Parkinson guy writes from. That has to mean something.

Now, why some random middle-aged guy writes from a teenage girl's perspective is beyond me. That just screams "PEDO! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! TAKE SMALL CHILDREN BY THE HAND! PLACE COPS NEAR PARKS AND/OR SCHOOLS! PROTECT YOUR WONTONS!"

…

Goddammit. I'm just gonna shut up and get back to the story.

* * *

This argument was interesting, even if it was really confusing.

Iggy, clearly lying, yelled that he wasn't gay.

"That's not what your lips were saying," Fang replied, his massive muscles rippling beneath his tight, sexy black shirt.

Oh yeah, this is still Max's POV.

"Yeah! They weren't saying anything! Lips! Part of mouth! Which makes words! Come on, Fang!" Iggy said back, successfully lowering the collective IQ of the planet with that one incoherent statement.

"Iggy…" Fang began, about to put the annoying Iggy in his place with a display of superior knowledge, "That makes about as much sense as Nudge willingly going to a Goodwill."

"Aren't we missing the point here?" Iggy replied. "YOU kissed ME!"

Jesus H. Christ. If this kid didn't stop lying, I swear the devil was gonna come up and drag him screaming to the depths of hell- I mean, the depths of _h_- any minute now. And if he didn't, I'd do it myself.

Because I'm the leader, and I take initiative.

Because I'm Max, the leader.

Not Fang. Max.

Remember that.

I saw Fang sexily sneak a wink to me, nearly making me swoon, as he said, "Iggy, how many times am I gonna have to tell you? I was trying to get Lissa to see-"

"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" Iggy abruptly and disrespectfully interrupted. Does nobody respect their elders anymore?

"Go ahead," Fang said, graciously opening himself to enemy fire. Of course, in this case, the enemy fire was harmless lies. In fact, all forms of enemy fire were harmless to Fang. Nothing could ever harm such a beautiful specimen of mutated maleness.

"How the hell was that dumbass plan of yours supposed to work in the first place?" Iggy foully exclaimed. I don't know where he gets such a dirty mouth.

"Okay, okay, okay, hold on here," I interrupted. "Look, Ig, Fang's off the hook." _In more than one way,_ I thought to myself. "As crazy as his plan was, it somehow makes sense."

"Whaddya mean, he's off the hook?" Iggy said. "You know what I think? I think you're just protecting your precious little boyfriend!"

What is it with Iggy and respect? Not only was he making shocking and untrue accusations against me, Max, the leader, not Fang, Max, but he was also degrading my "precious little boyfriend" with that harsh statement (especially since he's not "little" at all… If you know what I mean…)!

Okay, I'm gonna stop with the Max's POV now.

I don't want to have to explain how Max knows that I have a big di-

* * *

I'm really feeling sexual today, aren't I? That's the second time I've had to cut myself off before someone else did…

Heh. Maybe all this talk of making out has me horny or something.

Okay, so where was I?

Oh, right.

"Whaddya mean, he's off the hook?" Iggy said. "You know what I think? I think you're just protecting your precious little boyfriend!"

"IGGY!" I shouted.

"WHAT?" he shouted back.

"That still doesn't explain why you kissed me back."

"Oh… Heheh… Yeah…" Iggy muttered, avoiding eye contact.

Boom. Got 'im. Can someone hold the door? I need to reach into the closet and pull him the rest of the way out.

"I, uh… You know, I can't see… So I thought…"

"You thought what, Iggy?" Max asked.

Oh, in case you haven't noticed yet, this was a three-way conversation. Argument. Thing.

"ithoughtthatfangwasagirl." he muttered under his breath.

"You WHAT?" I asked incredulously.

Oh, in case you didn't know, "Incredulous" means "unwilling or unable to believe something." There ya go, kids. I'd make a great schoolteacher… Mr. Fnick. Has a nice ring to it, huh?

"I thought that you were a girl…" Iggy said quietly.

"….Uh, Iggy, who would it have been? I mean, there aren't that many girls running the house. And unless you were, like, hiding Nudge under your bed, there weren't any in your room at the time," I pointed out. "And I would know. I'm not blind. Unlike someone I know."

"I dunno, I guess I just imagined that it was Ma- er, someone… An… And… Uh… Reacted…" Iggy st-st-stuttered. (Kinda… Whatever)

"Wait, you thought it was WHO?" Max asked incredulously. (See, kids, we used it again! What a useful word. Kinda like "Iggy," "is," and "gay.")

"Like, er, someone…" Iggy muttered. Right about now, I realized that something was up, so I tried to do a mental slow-motion replay.

"Hang on, you thought it was MAX?" I said incredulously, looking from Iggy to Max and back again. Iggy looked thoroughly embarrassed, like he'd rather be gay than clearly jealous.

Max, on the other hand, seemed almost…. Caught.

Caught? Oh, HELL no.

* * *

**Max: -facepalm- What is wrong with you?**

**Me: Hmm?**

**Max: Why do you insist on f$%#ing with our lives like that?**

**Me: It's damn fun.**

**Max: ...Okay, you have a point.**

**Me: Okay, well, everyone go say "EH!" to M.G, or, if you really want to make her happy, say "U-S-Eh!" or mention red lace bras...**

**Max: Just don't ask. That's for your own good...**

**_Thanks for reading! -Matt&Max_**

**_**P.S. If you're reading this for the second time, you may notice a certain (ITALICIZE) (/ITALICIZE) thing missing. I stuck those in when I was typing it so I would remember to italicize that part when I uploaded it to FF, since italics don't transfer. (For me, at least. FF hates me.) And I forgot to change the one at "depths of __h_- any minute." It has clearly been fixed now. Thanks to Vera for pointing that out... or at least, for being the first one to point it out that I noticed.**


	7. Mental Problems, Pizza, And Canada, Eh?

**Max: Again with the crazy hours of updating...  
**

**Me: Hey, seven in the morning isn't crazy! **

**Max: It is when you've been up all night.**

**Me: ...Point.**

**Max: Besides, I thought you weren't gonna update this story yet...**

**Me: Well, I was having trouble with everything else.**

**Max: Understandable.**

**Me: Well, here goes nothing...**

**

* * *

**

Finally ungrounded. Thank God.

So, what do I do now that I'm ungrounded? Try to catch Max and Iggy in the act? Try to stay as far away from Lissa as possible?

No.

I run errands for Dr. M.

Why?

Because I'm the oldest one who's not her daughter or blind.

Yay.

Now, I know there's somebody out there wondering how we're ungrounded already. Well... I honestly don't know. I think Dr. M. decided it'd be better for us to just get the hell out of her house.

I'd have to agree.

But anyway, guess who I saw in the checkout line?

The cashier.

I know, you guys were expecting someone famous or something. Well, too freaking bad.

You know what's fun to do in the checkout line?

Read the headlines on the supermarket tabloids. Why? Well... Here. Just see for yourself.

"Woman Marries Shark!"

"Aliens Abduct Dick Cheney to Learn His Torture Methods!"

And a bunch of crap about Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Twilight.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Heh, apparently Dr. Phil raped Oprah.

I somehow doubt that. Just saying.

"It's damn stupid, huh?" the guy behind me said.

"Yeah, totally," I replied.

"They should be reporting _real_ news," he continued. "For example, I heard about a weird mutant hybrid experiment thing that escaped from a lab and is supposedly around here right now..."

"Hahaha, just one? You should see my place, man, it's full of 'em."

He stared at me awkwardly.

_Did I really just say that?_

_Yeah, you did. Good going, Einstein._

_Hey! Don't insult Einstein like that! He was a good person!_

_That may be true, but I can't say anything without insulting him. Because you're an insult to humanity._

_I'm not human, dumbass!_

_Thank God._

_You wanna take this outside?_

_I'd love to, but we can't._

_Why not?_

_We're stuck inside Fang's head._

_...I thought I _was_ Fang..._

_So am I, man, we're both Fang._

_Then how the...?_

_Fang's... Got something wrong with him._

_Well, yeah, I noticed that, but I never thought..._

_Yeah, that's just it. You never thought._

_Hey? Fang? Fang? Can you guys shut up? I can hear you, you know._

_No problem, Fangles._

_Okay, man, you'd probably get out of this hole now..._

_Will do. Thanks, Fang._

_Don't mention it._

_No, seriously, thanks._

_Really, man, it's cool. Don't worry about it._

_Come on, man, I insist..._

_FANG! TALK!_

_Right, sorry... Should I do it, or one of you guys?_

_We're all you, Fang._

_Right, sorry..._

_That's the second time you said that, Fang._

_Well, Fang, he really didn't say that, he thought it..._

_Which is a problem, as he NEEDS TO BE TALKING RIGHT NOW._

_Jeez, I'm going, I'm going, keep your wings on..._

_Wait, which one am I again?_

_Does it matter?_

_Why aren't you talking, Fang?_

_Good question..._

_I'm confused..._

_I don't blame you..._

_FANG! TALK! NOW!_

"...Uh... My sisters... There's no way they're human. They're really weird..." I said, praying that the guy would buy it and that whatever just went on in me head would never happen again.

"...Okay... Yeah... I think I know what you mean..." he said, clearly not buying it.

"Yeah, well, nice talking to you!" I said, grabbing my bags and getting the hell outta there.

I don't think the FBI or something showing up would make Dr. M. very happy.

Max either. Definitely not.

...Why did I mention Dr. M. before Max?

Yeah, I think I _am _going crazy.

I mean, whe-

* * *

Sorry. Pizza guy came. I had to get the door.

Then, well, I ate pizza.

Come on, you can't blame me! It was pizza! Good pizza!

And we had root beer!

Yeah, yeah, so I left you guys hanging, but honestly, nothing important happened in the store scene. Really, that entire last passage is on a one-way street that leads directly to a plothole. I borrowed said plothole from that creepy pedophile Jamie Pinkerson guy. I have no idea why I even mentioned it.

So. Back to events relevant to the story.

* * *

Well, I was back in the office. Second time this year, and we weren't even a month in yet.

Okay, well, the first time was due to a broken nose. So it doesn't really count.

"So, Nick, you wouldn't mind showing this new student around?"

"No problem!" I said, trying to sound cheery, since this would get me out of class, even if the secretary clearly got me mixed up with someone who had been at the school for more than two weeks.

"Alright, I'll go get him," she said, getting up from her desk and walking to the principal's office, where I assumed the new kid was getting his schedule and stuff.

"Okay," Ms. Whatever-Her-Name-Is-But-Who-Cares-Since-She's-WAY-Too-Ugly-To-Be-A-Secretary-Since-I-Mean-Come-On-They're-Supposed-To-Be-Hot said, "This here is Dylan. Dylan, this is Nick, he's gonna show you around."

Dylan, a shy kid about my size, nodded and followed me out of the office.

Well.

Shy kid + Untalkative kid = Awkward.

"So... Dylan. Just warning you, I'm almost as new as you, so don't expect this tour to be helpful. In fact, I still haven't found the bathrooms."

Dylan nodded.

"Uh... So, I assume you moved here, right?"

Dylan nodded.

"Cool, can I ask where from?"

Dylan nodded.

I paused, then realized what I had asked. "Where from?"

"Canada," Dylan answered.

"Canada! The great white north, eh? Any good at hockey, eh?"

"Dude," Dylan semi-glared at me. "Just... No."

"Alright, I'll drop the Canada jokes."

"Good."

"But, hey, man, you don't look like a Dylan to me... Can I call you Justin?"

"No," Justin said.

"Too late, Justin..."

Justin glared at me as we walked on.

"Okay, this here is the science wing, or at least that's what they told me," I commented as we walked through the mostly empty hallways. "This here is where the baseball players hang out, avoid at all costs. You can get high off of their breath. Oh, and this classroom is where the chess club practices. Well, they practice running and cleaning food off of their ties, mostly."

I took a look at Justin, who was doing everything he could to blend in, constantly adjusting his jacket, even though it was damn hot.

"Hey, man, you can take off the jacket..."

"No way, man, I'm fine," Justin said in reply. "What's this?"

"This?" I asked. "Well... I honestly don't know. You have a class here... Spanish 1... And right over there... Geology. Uh, that's a bathroom, but I doubt it's safe, just go piss on the nerds, nobody'll care, you'll probably gain popularity points."

Justin nodded.

"Do you say anything?" I asked.

"Eventually."

"Nice to know." We walked on and found a group of kids cutting class. "Oh, this is the school's emo corner, Justin, and, though I may look the part, I do not associate with those freaks."

"Who you callin' a freak?" one of the emo ditchers asked threateningly, turning around.

"Hey, I know you! You're the girl in... My... Homeroom... Heh..."

Well, you could say that it was nice to see a familiar face.

I would have to disagree, of course, mostly because of my newly re-broken nose and another stint of unconsciousness.

* * *

**Max: And so you introduce a character who should've already been in the story.**

**Me: Huh? What do you mean? Who said this is the mutant?**

**Max: Does anyone seriously think it isn't?**

**Me: -shrugs- Anyway... It's seven. I'm going to bed.**

**Max: Only you would say that...**

**Me: 'Night, peoples.**

**_-Thanks for reading! Matt&Max_**


	8. The Final Chapter

**Me: Guess who's drunk!**

**Max: I guess Matt.**

**Me: You guess wrong. But guess who's obsessed with Scott Pilgrim!**

**Max: I guess Matt.**

**Me: You guess right! And, unfortunately, as a result, I'm shifting from writing MR, which I don't read anymore, to writing SP, which I do.**

**Max: So no more LL?**

**Me: Well, this is the final chapter, isn't it?**

**Max: -shrugs-**

**Me: So, yeah. This is a totally lame ending, but hopefully you won't hate it.**

**Max: And the Scott Pilgrim references aren't obvious...**

**Me: -eyeroll-**

**

* * *

**

I fell to my knees on the cracked desert ground. "I'm DEAD!" I cried to nobody in particular. "And I never even got to second base!" I curled up in a ball and watched a scorpion creep past. I considered grabbing it and forcing it to sting me, so I'd die and… Wait, I was dead. Dammit.

"You're not dead."

I perked up. "Who said that?"

Suddenly, Max flew by, not even stopping as she said, "You're just having some idiotic dream."

I stared at her as she disappeared into the distance. "So can you make out with me?"

She was gone.

I turned to the cactus next to me. "Am I really having some idiotic dream?"

The cactus shrugged.

"Yeah, I dunno either… Maybe I'm dead, and my eternal punishment is sitting in this godforsaken desert, waiting to wake up."

The cactus shrugged again.

"Or maybe I really am dreaming. I seem to remember getting knocked out. Do you dream when you're unconscious?"

The cactus shrugged for the third time.

"Well, you're no help." I turned and started walking away. Then I realized I had been talking to a cactus.

Today wasn't going very well.

I walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And pissed in the sand. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And scratched my ass. And walked. And walked. And tried to eat some dirt, because I was hungry. And spit that dirt out. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And jogged a bit, just to vary things. And walked. And walked. And walked. And spent half an hour staring at a crack that resembled a jagged line. And walked. And walked. And analyzed another crack that resembled a jagged line. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And started to stare at a third crack, then realized all cracks looked like jagged lines. So I walked. And walked. And walked. And– here's a shock– walked.

Today wasn't going very well.

* * *

"So, Mr. Cactus," I said to a cactus, presumably a different one than the one that just shrugged, but I couldn't be sure, since all cacti look the same to me, "how are you this fine morning?"

The cactus shrugged.

"Do you think I'm dreaming?"

The cactus shrugged.

"Yeah, me either."

Then God spoke. "Fang!"

"GOD! YOU'VE COME TO SAVE ME! HAIL JESUS! PRAISE MOSES! HURRAY FOR ISHMAEL! OR SOMETHING!"

"Fang!" Wake up, Fang!"

"…Uh, almighty powerful omnipotent being person, I'm wide awake."

"Dammit, Fang, wake up!"

"…How come you sound like Max, God?"

"Iggy, grab me that glass of water. No, the- Do I have to do everything myself?"

"Iggy's with you, God? Did he die too? Why is he in heaven? He's the evilest person I know! Well, besides Jeb. And all the whitecoats. And Max on her period. And… a lot of things, actually."

Then it started to rain.

Hard.

You know floods? Well, it was like a flood was falling from the sky.

Then I realized a flood was _actually_ falling from the sky.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Note sarcasm.

* * *

"GAH! Where the hell am I… Oh, not here again." I was back in the school nurse's office. Max and Dy-Justin were standing over me.

Max put down an empty glass. "Welcome back to earth, Fang."

_Wait, an emp- Oh, so that explains the rain and why I'm covered in blood and water._

"Will someone care to fill me in on what happened?" I asked.

"You got KO'ed," piped in Dy-Justin.

I groaned. "Again?"

"Again?" repeated Justin.

Max rolled her eyes. "Yes, again. Now get off that bed. Last time this happened…"

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you." I ignored that annoying blood-rushing-out-of-your-head feeling and stood up. "Oh, Justin, this is Max, my, uh…" I paused for a moment. "My girlfriend. Max, this is Jus… I mean, this is Dylan."

Max reached out a hand. "Nice to meet you, Jus… I mean, this is Dylan."

"Seriously, Max?" I said, rolling my eyes. (That was happening a lot here.)

Max stuck her tongue out. "I define sarcasm, Dylan, so get used to it."

Dylan was just staring at her hand.

"Dude, you shake it," Max said. "Do you do it differently in Canada?"

He shook his head in that way you do when you just zoned out. "Sorry," he said, "I just zoned out."

Am I psychic or what?

"Oh, well, that's okay," Max said as they shook hands. "Hey, what lunch do you have?"

"Fifth, why?" Dylan asked.

"Sweet! You can join me and Fang, then."

"Thanks, but I've got to meet with someone then," Dyl… Wait, I'm supposed to call him Justin, right? Yeah, thought so… Justin replied.

"Oh, okay then." (Max doesn't get rejected often. So "Oh, okay then" is actually an impressively un-hostile reaction.)

"Well, Justin…" – Justin glared at me– "Let's get to class, shall we?"

We split with Max, and as we walked through the halls, me with ice on my eye (again), Justin spoke up.

"Hey, Nick, why'd she call you Fang?"

The ice must have given my brain a jumpstart or something, because I was surprisingly quick on the uptake. "Oh, inside joke. I read Twilight once, so she called me Fangs, and now it's just Fang… I guess it's some lame pet name or something."

"Oh," he replied, "I guess that makes sense. Fang."

I rolled my eyes yet again. "Whatever you say, Justin."

* * *

"Are they trying to kill us?"

"Nah, Fang, they're feeding us plastic hamburgers because they love us!" Max quipped.

"Thank you, Captain Sarcasm."

"Sarcasm's my middle name, you know."

"It's not Charging-Off?"

"Oh, ha-ha." Max yawned, and I squeezed some ketchup onto my plasticburger. Gotta love high school lunch.

"Hey, Max?"

Max sipped on her -10% Juice juice-box thing. "Yeah, Fnick?"

"You know I don't want anything to do with Lissa, right?"

Max laughed. "I figured. You're too uncoordinated to juggle two girls."

I frowned. "I am totally coordinated."

Max rolled her eyes and flirt-punched my arm. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

Then, the building trembled. Everyone else started jumping up and panicking when the fire sprinklers turned on… Just general chaos, y'know?

Max and I were the only ones not freaking out.

"IGGY!"

I dunno what you think, but to me, things were finally back to normal.

Now, I just need to figure out how to keep it that way…

Oh, right. I know how.

Just blame Iggy.

* * *

**Max: Ah, just blame Iggy. My motto.**

**Me: You can end any story with that, and it's okay.**

**Max: ...You know... You're right, you can.**

**Me: Thought so. Well, I know this story was a lot shorter than I hoped, but interests change, you know?**

**Max: -shrugs-**

**Me: Anyway, I hope some of you guys will read my SP stuff... But for now, thanks for reading!**

**_-Matt&Max_**

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"Why'd he send you?"

"You're not doing your job."

"What? Of course I am! The kid's just so freaking dumb…"

"It doesn't matter."

"Look, my job is to split them up, and then you come in. After I split them up. Not before."

"Well, you're not doing it fast enough. It's time to speed it up. We'll do it together."

"Why don't you just do it yourself then?"

"Be glad you still have a part in this."

"I still don't see why he had to send you in so early."

"Gideon's getting impatient. They've strayed to far from their duties."

Lissa looked over at the only other freshmen not freaking out. "We split them up, you seduce Ride…"

Dylan leaned back against the wall. "And we kill the rest."

_To be continued..._


	9. The End

**Alright, so you may have noticed a huge decline in update frequency. For some stories, it's a complete and total stoppage.**

**Yeah, I noticed too. And there are reasons for each case, but I'm not gonna get into those. I'm gonna keep this simple.**

**The other day, I was talking to Saint about FF. More specifically, how I hated doing tons of Q&A chaps for MM&aDK, didn't know where LL was going, couldn't get any inspiration to continue STW?, etc. And then, of course, she asked the million-dollar question:**

_Saint: ...Here's my question...Do you enjoy writing FF?_

**Well, I thought about that for a bit, and (as you've probably guessed by now), I realized the answer is no. Not anymore. It's become more of a hassle, it's just not as fun anymore. That phase of my life has passed.**

**Since I've been dealing with depression and other fun stuff like that, the less hassles I have, the better. So, well, I'm not gonna write FF anymore. Plain and simple.**

**Now, I don't know if I'm done for good. I have plenty of ideas, I just don't have the inspiration or motivation to bring them into fruition. Maybe I'll start writing again someday, but for now, I'm done.**

**And now, so this doesn't make you depressed, here's a joke:**

**Why was six afraid of seven?**

**It wasn't. Numbers are inanimate objects and are as such incapable of feeling fear.**

**Heheheh...**

**Alright, that'll do it. Thanks for sticking with my craziness for so long, everyone. See ya.**


End file.
